Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: Hell In Handbags

Thirteen Thoughts On Handbag Selection

1) Straw clutches are the devil's work.

Why? Because what do you do with a clutch? Most of the time it is tucked under your arm, so that your hands are free. Being that straw is a casual summer selection only, this means bare arms, possibly unprotected armpits, and tops of thin material. Absolutely no protection whatsoever from the biting teeth & horrid claws of the devil's minions -- which is the entire outside shaft of straw. Carrying a straw clutch means abraded, irritated skin. Talk about your fashion victims!

2) Ditto any clutch with rhinestones, metalwork or other ornamentation. (Even in other seasons -- the ornamentation may not chafe you, but will snag, pull, transfer dirt and otherwise rub fabrics the wrong way.)

3) In fact, save all clutches for evenings only, when it will spend all it's time being seen sitting stylishly in front of you.

4) Don't hate me, but are you too old for that dainty little purse?

Everything in fashion has an age limit. Taste and decorum mandate it. So does freakin' functionality.

If you're past the age of 16, forget about those miniature, dainty purses. You're a woman now and you have junk. In fact, the older you get, the more responsibility you have, and nearly every responsibility comes with a key. Night manager at McDonald's? Got a key. Driving? Car keys. House? Several keys. Keys to mom's house (because you can & do go home again), your sister's house (to take care of her dog when she's away), the old lady next door (in case of emergency)... the list goes on and on. You've got responsibilities; you've got a huge keyring.

5) If you're married, your husband's junk will take-up and additional between 25 and 33% of your purse's volume (and weight too). "Hey, honey, put my (keys, cell, wallet) in your purse," and "Here, you carry the map to the zoo," are actually said by husbands more often than wives tell their husbands to ask for directions.

6) If you've got kids, well, do I even need to remind you of all the stuff of theirs you carry around? Once the kids are out of diapers and you lose the diaper bag, everything then goes into your purse until they move out of the house. This is the math: for every child you have, double the volume and weight of your purse.

7) Married with kids? You'll still be pulling out pacifiers and zoo maps from your purse -- just to get to your lipstick -- nine years later.

8) On a related note, can this bag and the strap carry all this stuff without breaking?

Your purse should be able to carry all your responsibilities as gracefully as you do.

9) Don't be fooled by extremely dainty evening bags either.

Hey, you've still got keys, lipstick, cell phone and your wallet to carry. That's a bare minimum. What's the point of even carrying a purse if you have to leave everything but your car keys in your car?

That little bag is adorable for a reason: it's a little girl's purse.

10) And while we're on the subject of little girl purses... No 'every day' purses in white if you're not a virgin. Your life can't handle the upkeep. Scuffs on white purses are like the pimples on your nose on photo-taking-day; they stand out and that's how people remember you. Save white for dress-up time when you can enter the land make believe convincingly.

11) Don't get handbags which do not easily and securely close. It's literally an open invitation.

12) The number of purses you own should not exceed the number of pairs of shoes you have. No, they need not be matched sets -- you can mix and match as you'd like. But the number of handbags may only be less than or equal to, but not greater than, your shoe count. (Again, that's pairs of shoes -- no cheating!)

13) As the number of purses in your possesion increases, the price of each should decrease. This is simple economics, supply and demand. With each additional purse purchase the number of times each is used decreases, making the cost per use outrageous. Invest in good, quality bags first; then add the inexpensive. Want to splurge on a must-have-handbag? Sell (or donate) one of your old ones first.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

13 Ways to Celebrate Father's Day
13 fun things I did while on vacation
Thirteen TV Show I Like to Watch
30 years ago this summer Punk Rock ruled in the US and UK. Here are 13 things from this wild time.
Cool recipes from my new cookbook
13 Ways To Know Your Obsessed With Your Collection
13 Things I Miss About My Pre-Mom Life
13 Ways To Celebrate Summer Reading As A Family

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


jennyR said...

great list! i enjoyed reading is so true! i have 2kids but actually i stopped using diaper bags once my kids are a yr old, coz i don't need that much. a bigger purse will do...

Kris :) said...

great post! and great advice...I seem to be going the opposite way on the cost of my bags though. I am buying the nice expensive ones now instead of starting out with them. :)

eternal flux said...

Awesome list! Esp for a first one. Can't wait for next week.

Tilly Greene said...

Hmmm, I use either a backpack or a tiny, fit a money and id, purse, oh and the in between has no zipper [of which the cutie constantly reminds me of, even though he bought it for me] - I've broken almost everything here. Except the white bag...not a virgin and no white shoes or purse :-)

Pop_Tart from Kitschy Kitschy Coo said...

Straw clutches? Do they still make those?! lol

Robin said...

Great list. I was a suitcase-sized bag carrier even before I have kids, now it's truly ridiculous...

Crimson Wife said...

LOL at #5-7! So true, so true...

Deanna said...

Hey Slippity-Do-Da, I joined in at Ephemera Bound.

(No purse rules were broken in the making of my post!)

Miss S said...

so amusing! luckily i've never seen a straw clutch much less own one.

Miss S

Alison said...

i agree about the rules of purses. hilarious!